Start with complete iPhone dependence. Perhaps you track your own activities constantly with a time-management app, track your baby’s activities with a baby app, plus check email and texts religiously every, oh, say, 34 seconds. Perhaps you check Twitter and Facebook and update your blog, and browse recipes on 4 different food apps (not that you will ever have time to make them), all while following 6 different news outlets and listening to radio and Pandora streaming all day long. Oh, and you also use your phone to take pictures and videos of your dog and child, who are so amazingly adorable that they clearly need constant photographing. Oh, and it also provides the white noise that makes your child sleep, both during naps and all night long.
Ok, the stage is set.
1. Allow your 10-month-old to play with/suck on your phone on a regular basis. Because, really: have you ever tried to keep a baby from sucking on your phone? Ha!
2. Wait until she tosses it to the floor from a reasonable height–say, the height of a Whole Foods shopping cart child seat.
3. Observe how the screen is so shattered that small shards of plastic continuously leak from beneath the tenuous hold of the screen protector, like Splinters From Hell.
4. Start gingerly placing your phone on a high counter surface, away from prying hands (including your own). Forget to check email, or Facebook, or even your voice messages, for approximately 3 days.
5. Put off buying a new phone for about a week (because stupid Verizon won’t ship the thing until early May anyway…).
There! You did it!
Oh, hold on. I just got a text.
Tune in next time for an update on my new phone! I’m taking recommendations…